Psychology Place

Mindful parenting for toddlers

Parenting toddlers often feels like riding an emotional roller coaster. There is the happiness felt when observing your young child in a moment of joy and wonder for the world, pride as they embark on new and courageous endeavours, and frustration and bewilderment as your child erupts into a full blown tantrum, seemingly unable to control their rage, leaving you at a loss as to how to help them navigate this emotional storm.

It is common to hear mothers of young children giving one another advice on how to best manage the toddler years, a time that generally involves the child gaining autonomy and independence through the mastery of various skills such as speech and coordination. Given this incredible stage of separation and growth for the child it is no wonder that parents will often find themselves reacting to the child’s inner frustrations by automatically being swept up into the child’s difficult emotion.

There may not be an effective method of eliminating emotionally charged toddler behaviours however the practice of mindfulness seems to enable parents to move through the difficult moments somewhat gentler and calmer as we work on bringing a deep level of awareness and therefore less reactivity in the way we parent.
So What Is Mindfulness And How Does It Apply To Parenting:

Mindfulness has been defined as ‘approaching your thoughts, feelings, and sensations by: paying attention to them in the present moment without judging them as good or bad; just letting them be as they are, and when possible approaching them with curiosity and compassion’.

When we consider how mindfulness might apply to parenting toddlers, very broadly it refers to ‘approaching your experiences of parenting with gentleness and friendliness, trying to be present in the moment with your child regardless of what is happening, and trying to let go of judging whether things are right or wrong’ (Duncan et al., 2009). Jon Kabat Zinn, an expert in mindfulness has proposed the following exercises for parents interested in incorporating mindfulness skills into the practice of parenting:

Try to imagine the world from your child’s point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this everyday to remind you of who this child is and what he/she faces in the world.
Imagine how you appear and sound from your child’s point of view. How do you want to relate to your child in this moment? How might you alter your speech, body language etc?
Practice seeing your child as perfect just the way they are. Work on accepting them as they are when it feels hardest to do this.

When you feel lost, or are at a loss remember to stand still and focus on you breath – bring full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself and to your family.
Try embodying silent presence. It refers to listening carefully and building awareness of the ways in which we portray ourselves through body, mind and speech.

Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without needing a particular outcome to occur. Simply bring your awareness to the present moment. Practice seeing whatever comes up as ‘workable’. Your child needs yo to be a center of balance and trustworthiness, a reliable landmark by which he or she can take a bearing within his or her own landscape’.

There are ‘important times when we need to be clear and strong and unequivocal with children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness, generosity, and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering, and controlling’.

Meghanna Thanson who authors a blog on mindful mothering suggests that as parents we:

Start again! You always have the opportunity to begin in life and to begin again with you children. Hug your children, hug yourself and simply start over. Forgive yourself, breathe deeply and move on.
Breathe! Make a commitment to breathe throughout your day. This will bring a deeper level of relaxation and calm to all activities you engage in.

Commit to respond to your child rather than reacting. Live in the pause between your children’s actions (‘good’ or ‘bad’) and what you say or do afterward. Allow this space to inform your response. There is a great wisdom to be found in waiting.

Slow your pace and take notice of the surroundings. Feel the texture of your children’s clothes as you dress them, feel the air on your cheeks as you walk with your child.
Be gentle and kind with yourself. Engage in self care.

By practicing bringing a mindful awareness to the journey of parenting you will find yourself reacting much less to the personal stories that make up your thoughts and to wishing that things were different. Accepting things just as they are in the moment becomes a possibility. As a result of increased awareness the ability to tolerate the difficult emotions and situations that parenting young children brings will increase. Rather than reacting to the stream of thoughts and sensations that race through mind and body in difficult times throughout parenting we learn how to simply observe the emotion and thoughts as they enter and ultimately depart our stream of consciousness. As we as parents stay mindful by noticing our emotions and not reacting to them, simply observing them and allowing them to pass we are also modelling positive emotional regulation skills to our children who are constantly learning from us through observation.

In conclusion, by incorporating mindfulness practices through the ups and the downs of parenting toddlers a deeper and richer connection can be made between parent and child. A relationship based upon full attention, compassion and wisdom.