Psychology Place

How to have win win conflict resolution in your relationship

We all have relationship conflict, that’s a given. Then why is it that some relationships seem to

tolerate the conflict and others spin out into despair and rupture? Is this a result of the basic lack of

suitability of the partners, that they just shouldn’t be together? Or perhaps it’s faulty methods of

conflict resolution built up over years that have done the damage.

So let’s take a look a what the research tells us about the best ways and the worst ways to resolve

conflict day to day (there are a few surprises!).

John Gottman, a famous relationship therapist and researcher found that one of the main

predictors of failure to resolve or repair in couple conflict is to use logic without emotional

attunement. That is if we try to rationalise, justify or analyse our way through conflict we are likely

to make it worse. In fact no ‘logic based’ method of repair worked to increase positivity in a

relationship other than an agreement to compromise. This also includes asking ‘what do you want

me to do?’ This common and often frustrating question gets us nowhere at all….just back to the

drawing board of the conflict because let’s be real, when I’m mad at you the last thing I feel inclined

to do is give you what you supposedly want. Also these request for direction add to the experience

of not being heard or understood…how come you don’t know what I want!!!!

So let’s look at what helps. No surprises here, the main factors are the ability of the couple to

reconnect emotionally via affection or humour or any other method that works for your unique

relationship. To be affectionate and gently humorous substantially add to the ability to repair after

conflict. And here’s one more obvious solution – the ability of either partner to back down and agree

really makes a difference too.

But mostly, the capacity for empathy, that very real feeling we get of being understood offered the

most bounce back. This empathy also took the form of self disclosure and reassurance. In essence

bringing the relationship back to safe mode. And it really helps a lot when the men takes the lead

here.

This is a tough space for many if not all couples in conflict. Letting go and being able to live with

the fact that our needs don’t always get met, that we are not always right and that we have to

accommodate the other in our relationship. This is not self sacrifice, in essence, it’s quite the

opposite. It’s actually the highest form of self giving. The capacity to recognise ourselves as faulty

and weak without judgement or justification. Here we find a certain peace with ourselves and each

other.

Next time you are in conflict just remember this basic truth…….

“We cannot solve out problems with the same level of thinking that created them”.

Peace to you

Karen Weiss