Psychology Place

A New Life-stage – Moving your relationship from a duo to trio or more….

A New Life-stage – Moving your relationship from a duo to trio or more….

By Karen Weiss

You wanted children, a family life, a chance to be a mom but were you prepared to give up being a lover, a wife, a sex goddess! Of course not. But we all struggle when we juggle being a mom and a partner. After all, how can you find a space to nurture your relationship when you can barely find a moment to shower.

Research tell us that there are 2 high-risk times for separation, the first is in the 5 years after child number 1, the second is when we get to the empty nest. Not surprised? This is a time when insecurities loom large and we often feel less attractive and more demanding, more needy and less able to get what we want. Relationships are typically not ready for parenthood especially when the relationship has gone from the high of romantic idealism to the slump of parenting.

As women, we learn to nurture from an early age. We are socialised to be relational, to look after others needs. Often we do this at our peril, ending up with either a sense of resentment at being taken for granted or learning to repress our needs and surviving on emotional ‘crumbs’. Feelings of anger and resentment surface where we express anger reactively, or express it passively rather than finding our voice and speaking our truth. Here we also lay the groundwork for relationship problems that can get embedded and potentially long-lasting.

So how would you know if your relationship is really having a hard time adjusting to parenthood? Here are some known indicators:

• Motherhood is feeling isolating and lonely
• You partner is becoming rigid, distant and difficult to talk to
• You are avoiding difficult discussions for fear of conflict
• You are anxious and teary at home or often angry but pretending all is OK
• You are avoiding sex and intimacy.

All relationships change post baby – thats a given. Clearly we have less relationship time so less sex, less fun, less spontaneity, more hard work and more arguments. Friendship and the ability to negotiate change are strong predictors of a long and good marriage. This is the time these qualities need to come to the fore.

Learning how to combat stress in a relationship is not natural or easy and we need to fully acknowledge that parenting is a high-stress job. As mothers, self nurturance is as important as other nurturance. Our relationship is often (not always) the place we need to go for comfort and care. But we also have to realise that our relationship is limited and we will not always get what we want even though we think we should. Research tells us up to 70% of problems in a long-term relationship are unresolvable! We need to take that seriously so we can accept and live with our relationships limitations. When we can do this our relationship becomes stronger and closer so we get more of what we want!

Here are a few tips on keeping your relationship strong:

• Repair from conflict – don’t go to bed upset
• Be generous with your partner’s limitations, avoid critiques
• Don’t wait for your needs to be met, express them clearly.
• Fun and humour are essentials
• Perfectionism is your enemy
• Look for the positives and be resigned to the negatives.